I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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