dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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