Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
