Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
