kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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