she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
