I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Randomize
