evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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