He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
