I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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