I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
