wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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