I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
