the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
