btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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