im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My vagina is very pro this idea
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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