Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Randomize
