Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
being pregnant is like rehab
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
