i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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