So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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