Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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