I accidentally burped into my bong.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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