True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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