I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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