I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize