New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
did you just send me my own nude
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
