I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize