if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
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