Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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