I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
