3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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