u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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