i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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