Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
