4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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