Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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