I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
