they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
