What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
