also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
