I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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