How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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