Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
