I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
