Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
