saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
