Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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