He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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