Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
