I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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