I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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