I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
