If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
