can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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