She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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