he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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