Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
