smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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