Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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