I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize