Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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