Your dad touched me again.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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