kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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