Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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