And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
