I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
