I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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