Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
