Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
