its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
