I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
