Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
