I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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