I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize