Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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