so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
