Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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